The past, real talk. Part II.

Where did I leave off? Oh yes, I moved into my new home, with my new husband...I was unhappily happily married, and guess what... no one knew. Again, a feeling that I hated but somehow he convinced me that it would be okay. We started to settle into the new home. I was temporarily semi-distracted with decorating, buying new furniture, getting things unpacked and set up. The feeling of having my own home was amazing, I was so proud of the accomplishment, and I just wanted to make it everything I had ever dreamed of. A few months pass... we are married, own a house, I had been mentioning getting joined accts since now we had a mortgage and bills and everything else that comes with a new home. He refused. Fine. So every month, it was a hassle of pulling money out of one acct, moving to another. Fine.

Again, like I mentioned in my previous post, he worked shift work as a paramedic. 48 hours on, and then the rest of the time he was off. Yes, off completely, at home. I started to mold into my new "wife" position. This meant cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking dinner, etc. Now, I had never, and he knew this, never had I been a fan of cooking. Now, baking? Whole different story, I love baking, I even have dreams of one day opening my own bakery (whole other story) but cooking, nah. I never really cared much for it. Growing up my mom cooked all the time, I would watch and help from time to time, but I never really cooked myself besides your basic things, like pasta, eggs, etc. So I started trying out recipes. I figured this would be the best way to start. On I went... keep in mind. He hated going anywhere. I mean anywhere, which means I would grocery shop, clothes shop, anything shop. If he needed something he would tell me, and I would go buy it. So when it came time to making dinner, sometimes I wouldn't always have the ingredients I needed. You would think that since he was home 5 days a week, with nothing to do, he could run to the store and pick up the 1 or 2 items I needed right? No. I left the house at 6am every morning. This means I was up by 5am. He would be sleeping, on the couch. He would stay up all night playing video games or watching tv, or buying things off Amazon. I would work a 9-12 hour day (with an hour or more commute) and would still have to stop at the store on my way home to pick up the things I needed. The moment I got home, which would generally be around 6pm. I would rush to change and start dinner. While cooking, I would do laundry, dishes he left in the sink from being home all day, and pick up around the house. To make a long story short, if I cooked 500 meals, he hated 498 of them. Nothing was ever good enough. He would try something, tell me if was awful, and throw his fork down. It crushed me. To me, the food was good. I didn't understand how if I thought it tasted good, he hated it. Moving on.... this happened on the regular. I can't even begin to think of the amount of money thrown away in food that I would cook and he wouldn't eat. Most time I ate it, and then ate for it for lunch the next 2 days to not waste. He would just go out and get fast food.

Laundry. I don't know if it was because he was military, but his uniforms would have to be impeccable. I washed them every week, he wanted his pants starched, and his shirts ironed. I did it. It wasn't good enough. He made me start taking them to the dry cleaners so it would be up to his standards. Horray! Another stop for me on a weekly basis. I had to drop off / pick up his uniforms every week. While he was off 5 days. Then he wanted his jeans the same way. More clothes. More money. I started to see a trend. Anything I did was just never good enough. My cooking was horrible, my ironing was horrible, sometimes I felt like if I breathed wrong, I would be yelled at. One day I got a flat tire on my way to work. It was pouring down holy hell. I was scared, on the side of freeway, and I called "my husband" - I guess in a dream, I thought he would care, and run to my aid or calm me down. NO, instead I got yelled at for waking him up that early, was told to call AAA since that's why we have the service, and was hung up on. Ya'll... seriously.... you know that feeling where you can literally feel your heart drop into your stomach? It was becoming a regular for me. I told no one, I put on a happy face and made it seem like my life was perfect. I vow to myself to never do that again. I will never hide the truth from the people I love.

One year passed, I had told some close friends about my marriage. They were shocked, in disbelieve and angry that I kept that from them. They had every right to be. I started getting worse treatment at home. Most people would count down til the weekend, I would count down til he left for work, because I knew that he would be gone for 48 hours and I could do what I wanted! I could watch TV in the living room! Normally, I was shunned to the bedroom, because he wouldn't watch anything I wanted to watch. It was glorious for those 2 days. But hey, I loved him. Hah!

Then, a new thing started happening. He had always been private, remember I wasn't allowed to touch his phone. He started going out. He would never tell me where, he would say he was going to hang out with a friend. I would stay up, wait for him, make sure he made it home. WHAT AN IDIOT! Eventually I would fall asleep, he wouldn't get home until 3am sometimes. When I asked where and with who he was, he would tell me to mind my own business. I thought that when your married, it is your business?? Guess not. I noticed he would go outside and talk on the phone alot, and text alot. One day, I logged into his account. There it was. This one number all over the place, at all hours of the night. I called it... a woman answered. I hung up. Was this happening? I look back now, and I can't believe how upset I was. I mean this man was awful to me. Why did I care so much? I confronted him about it. He denied it and went into a full fury of anger because I invaded his privacy. It didn't stop here, I logged into his bank acct.(these were things I never did) there I saw charge after charge. Ruth Chris Steakhouse, Carrabas, Perry's, Denny's, Victoria Secret, Motel 6. Yup, it was true. This was happening. Further in my investigations, I found out she worked with him. She was a medic on another crew. I brought it up again. He denied it, and then slammed with me with D word. I thought my life was over. I was broken. I was confused. I did everything for this man, I bent over backwards, I put my life on hold, I pulled away from my friends, I did everything... and he was just dismissing me. I begged, I pleaded, I asked for explanations. I asked for counseling. Nothing. I was blinded. All I wanted to was fix my marriage. I didn't want to be a failure. I didn't know where to turn. No one knew what was going on  in my life. My mom, and best friend had ideas, but I never fully told them much or confirmed any suspicions they had. He left the house.

The next week proceeded as follows, he would come home in the morning, after he knew I was gone to work, and he would leave right before I got home from work. I was alone. I poured my heart and soul out to my mom, and friends. I told them everything... I was crushed. My mom on the other hand, was angry. I didn't know what else to do other than lean on my friends & family... and most importantly, God. I started praying.....

To be continued..... 

(sorry , it just takes a toll on me to re-live this, so I can only share in pieces, but it feels good getting it out... and knowing that maybe somehow, someway, I can help someone else through my story)