The past, real talk. Part I.

Everyone has a story, right? Well, no, not everyone, and to be honest growing up and picturing my life, what it would be like, how amazing it would be... I really never thought I would be the one with a "story"

Where am I going with this? I really don't know. I find that even though my past is my past, and it is indeed the past, why does it still creep into my mind? Perhaps because it has made me who I am today, and molded me to be  appreciative of myself, and to know what I'm truly worth.

I never thought the words, "I'm 30, and have already been married, divorced, and now getting married again" would leave my mouth. So yes, I was married. I know people always say, don't regret what you did, because you learn from the experience, and I get that, really I do. BUT I greatly regret the choices I made. I know that I had to make those choices to lead me to where I am today, and I know I had to go through those motions, but there's still a tiny piece of me that wishes I could take it all back. I was 26 when I met my ex, he was a ex-military, good looking, and at that time fooled convinced me into thinking he had great future plans. I say future plans because I never really was the girl who wanted to just "have a good time" I have always known what I wanted, a family, marriage, kids etc. So anytime I would consider dating someone, I made sure that their future looked similar to the things I wanted in mine, why waste someones time? As most relationships are, the beginning was great. He treated me wonderfully, we were smitten, getting to know each other, spending time together, etc. He had introduced me to his family, which was just another plus for him, because they were so loving & welcoming, and truly good people. I was still living at home at the time, and he was living with his sister in Pearland, clear across the city from where I was, in Katy. As our relationship progressed, he started bringing up the subject of moving in together. I was hesitant, after all, I had never lived with a man, and to be honest, I was quite comfortable at home with my family. As foolish as I could be, this was the first of so many mistakes I would make. I let him convince me that it was a good idea, we ended up getting an apartment together on my side of town. I told him this was the only way I would even consider it. Again, the beginnings and moving in where all dandy and fun... but slowly...as more time passed, things started to slightly come to light change. We all know that living with someone is far more different than just dating someone and living apart. I was slowly beginning to un-ravel things about him that I never knew. 

One, being his temper. He had a short fuse, any little thing would take him overboard. It was like a switch. He blamed alot of his anger to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from the military. I believed him. 

Moving on... Two, his lack of finishing anything he ever started. He would start something, ANYTHING, and would never finish it. Everything from a simple at home project to school, to promises. It was always started but never finished. This upset me, because in my mind, it was a sign of the future and his unwillingness or lack of motivation to better himself. 

Three, his private-ness. I was never allowed to even lay a finger on his phone. If I did, I was instantly wrong, and accusing him of something (red flag anyone?) He kept a passcode on it, which I obviously knew anyway because he is stupid not smart and would use the same thing he used for other things. I still never really bothered to touch his phone. 

Four, his lack of affection. In the beginning he did tell me that he wasn't the most affectionate guy, lovey dovey type, and I was ok with that, but I had no idea that would mean that he wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as me. Most night he slept on the couch. He claimed that it was more comfortable for him, and that he was used to that because of his line of work. He was a paramedic who worked shift work. Again, I accepted it. As I'm typing this I realize my list is rather long, and I could go on & on. 

Sometimes, we just need to vent. Even if we've vented in the past, sometimes we need to again. Again...we continued on...and obviously the big huge red flags that were pretty much slapping me in the face repeatedly never were enough. I still wanted that "vision" - I saw all my friends getting married, buying houses, starting families... and I wanted it too. So I was blinded, stupid, and rushed things. I wanted a traditional marriage, in a church, surrounded by family & friends. I wanted the white dress, the big celebration....He wanted a JOP wedding, with no attention, and said we could have a big party later. In fact, he didn't even want me to tell anyone that we were gonna get married or that we ended up getting married. He claimed we could tell them "later" My mom knew, his mom knew. I remember to this day, sitting in the courthouse, my mom besides me, she grabbed my hand and said "Baby, you know you don't have to do this. You can buy a house, and do what you want and you don't have to "be married" - I heard her...but I didn't listen. We got married. I wasn't able to tell anyone, I didn't have a ring (engagement) I had purchased our bands on my own, without him there. We bought a house, moved, and so there I started my married life, although no one even knew.....

To be continued.....